I dunno what's up with me tonight. I feel really sad and down, and I really don't know why. I've just spent the last hour sat on my bed, staring into space, doing nothing. I did have music on, but I wasn't really listening. I had a rainbow fleece over me, but it was as if all the excitedness had been drained. I do occasionally have quiet periods, but not usually like this. I feel like someone has blown out the fire inside me. Its just gone.
I would expect to feel down, if there was anything major to feel down about. But I can't think of anything. There is some stuff I need to sort out in my head, but I don't really see why that would make me feel like this. I feel like the whole world's problems are balanced precariously on my shoulders. I was fine this afternoon. There was the start of year service in the chaplaincy, that I sang in. I was as high as a kite then.
Any suggestions to bring the usual bouncy ERG back would be gratefully appreciated. I do know some people who might enjoy some peace and quiet, but I want to feel excited again. 🙁
Sorry I’ve not posted for a while – been busy and do not (yet) have internet access at home. Lots has happened since I last posted, so here’s a brief summary of exciting events in the past week or two.
* I went to a very good 30th birthday party last week (happy birthday Wood!!!) which was great because there were a number of wiblogers there (including Blonde with Baby Blonde, Ramblin’ Folkie, Burnt Sienna, Lemly, and of course Wood (though hes not techniquely a wibloger). There were also people there that I knew from various other organisations, like Swansea Chaplaincy and SCM, and people who are friends of friends who I can finally put a face to their name!
* My placements going ok, though generally it can get boring because I’m mostly only observing the health visitor. This morning, however was an exception. I was out with a very energetic and bubbly midwife. Several people commented that we would make the perfect match, but to be honest, she was just scary! It made me wonder though, if my over-excitedness has a similar effect on other people. Do people get scared by my excitedness?
* A major advantage of community placements though, is that the hours are VERY nice. I often finish early in the afternoon, as I did today, which meant I could check out the freshers fair. I had great delight in telling the enthusiastic Christian Union members that I did not want to come along to any of their meetings or bible studies. Not wanting to be too nasty, I simply told them I was too busy. I’m sure they now think I’m going to rot in hell, but I don’t care what they think.
Theres a lot of other stuff going on at the moment, but its all very complicated. I might attempt to cryptically blog about it at the later date. For now though, prayers go out for all involved.
Since being on placement in Neath, I have been cycling to the station in Swansea and catching the train to Neath. I have discovered that I get road rage when I on my bike. I am constantly swearing under my breath and getting really annoyed at many of the car drivers as I cycle through the centre of Swansea. But I reckon its eco-friendly road rage because a lot of the time I’m getting annoyed because of the pollution and general bullying attitude a lot of the car drivers have on the road. I’m only a little cyclist! Its probably brought on due to the stress of trying to cycle up the big hill, ensure I’m going the right way, in the right lane and I’m not going to get knocked over in the process. My Dad often gets annoyed at car drivers when he’s cycling, I don’t know whether he would describe it as eco-friendly road rage, but I think its rubbed off onto me.
On another aspect of my daily journey to Neath – I really have to make sure I don’t fall asleep on the train. I am used to train journeys being about 5 hours long, so when I get on a train I go into automatic day-dreaming mode. Several times I have re-emerged in the real world, to find myself at Neath station, and gone ‘argh! – I need to get off!’. I’m sure I’m going to wake up in Port Talbot or even Cardiff one of these days!
One of the things about going back to Manchester is that I always seem to bring random things back to Swansea with me. When I was at home a week or so ago, I rediscovered a poetry book that I had for Christmas when I was younger and brought it back with me. It is called ‘We Animals would like a word with YOU’ by John Agard. I would like to share with you one of my favourite poems from it, which is funny but also highlights a very serious point. It is called ‘Mrs Skunk Writes a Letter to the Press’:
My husband and I were very upset
by a suggestion in your paper
that we skunks have bad breath.
You humans seem to forget
the dirty wind you let off
especially after you’ve gorged on beans.
And what about the smell of death
you bring to our rivers
from the fumes of your factories?
Humans have such short memories.
My husband and I both agreed
that your comment was most unfair.
What you humans call bad breath
We skunks call wee defensive warfare.
We’re only protecting ourselves, you hear.
Yours very upset,
After a good weekend in Cambridgeshire with SCM (highlights of which include powerful worship, useful workshops and a v.lively game of Taboo) I am now back in lectures. I have sorted out what going on with the placements – I start next week in Neath and plan to cycle to the train station and catch the train each morning. I contacted my mentor this morning and she seemed nice, so hopefully, it should be alright.
Its strange, being a second year now. We’ve gone off into our separate branches, so all my lectures are child specific, which is much better and the lecturers all seem much friendlier. During a break this morning, we spotted a large group of people, which I would guess are the new freshers on our course. I was looking at the thinking – I wonder which one of them is now in my room in the student village? (all of the nurses accomodation is in one specific block in the village) Most bizzare.
Its also scary when the lecturers start asking you what you’d like to specialise in, once you’ve graduated. They then do the whole careers talk and get you thinking about what you need to do now, to be where you want to be in 5 years time. Its just scary. Its even scarier when many of my friends, who are older, are at that much further on in the ‘finding the perfect job’ process. Prayers go out to everyone who is struggling with the whole job issue.
Don’t worry, I’ve not lost my memory, I do know I am in Swansea at the moment. Its just very confuzzling because yesterday morning I was in Manchester and in 8 hours time I hope to be in Cambridgeshire. I am having to think twice about where I am at the moment. I am generally a reasonably organised person, and I think its a good job too at the moment – trying to organise my stuff when I’m moving around so much is crazy! In the past month I really have done a tour of the country (Swansea –> Somerset –> Cornwall –> Somerset –> Swansea –> Cheltenham –> Manchester –> Swansea) and now im off to Cambridgeshire for the weekend. After Sunday, though I think I am staying in Swansea …. except im on placement in Neath, but that’ll be ok because I will still be sleeping in Swansea.
V, that I mentioned in an earlier post, passed away last night.
It is a sad loss, but one that was expected. In the past year I have realised how many amazing things he has done in his life. He really has set an incredible example. He spent many years working in central America, and did lots of missionary work out there. His life really is one to be celebrated. His wife, my mum said sounded surprising strong on the phone. Since is diagnosis he had made specific funernal decisions, so those arrangements are much easier than they could have been. I am glad that I saw him last week.
For V’s family and anybody else who has recently lost someone close, I would like to share the words to the song, Hear me dear Lord by Colin Ferguson. I would like this at my funernal.
1. Hear me, dear Lord, in this my time of sorrow.
For even if I turn from you today
I need to know your love is there tomorrow
and new hope still can lighten up my way.
2. Forgive me, Lord, if in the tears of sadness
my anger makes me take your name in vain,
and life seems for a while to have no gladness
and I refuse to let you share my pain.
3. Help me, my God, through all surrounding darkness,
To hold by faith what often I have read,
that even in death’s unremitting starkness
the Son of Man has risen from the dead.
4. So take this life that’s left with its misgivings,
from grief and pain create in me anew
a faith that finds in you a way of living,
a love that offers all it has to you.
Just noticed that i have once again archived the html code for the Make Poverty History white band. It seems appropriate I should add it in again on this post – V definately would have approved.
GRRRRRRR!!!!!! I have just replied to an answer phone message, left for me in Swansea. I have been informed that one week after I start back at uni, I am on community placement in NEATH!!! What the @**£$%#! Last year we did seven weeks in uni and seven weeks on placement in each term, and it was supposed to be the same this year. But they’ve changed it all round and apparently discussed the changes with students individually – excuse me – when did that happen????? Nothing was discussed with me. GRRRRRRR!!!! Now I don’t know what the heck I’m doing all year. I’ve probably arranged stuff, thinking i would be in uni at that point and could do it, and i can’t now! I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get to Neath everyday. Bus? Train? I dunno. They could have told me more than a week before. Its just not fair.
Sorry for the ranting – I needed to let it out and my blog seemed the best place (nobody gets hurt).
Thanks to Jack’s helpful comments (a couple of months ago) I have managed to upload some of my Greenbelt photos. You should be able to view them here. I apologise if the quality isn’t the best, I don’t have a digital camera (yet) and it means they don’t always come out that well on screen. And I’m sure I should be able to put them into my actual post, but was unable to find a way to do this – suggestions will be appreciated. Hope you enjoy the photos!
Well, its confusing, being a student away at uni – you have two homes. At the moment I feel that Swansea is more ‘home home’, but its still good to come back ‘home’ (to Manchester).
It does take time to adjust to the different way of life, when you come back to your parents home. Generally seems slower somehow. As a student I’m often rushing around constantly for some reason or another, whereas its nice to take things slower at home. Its hard, once you’ve lived your own life, without your parents, to come back and get used to living with them again. Getting used to my Dad’s comments (they are unique to him, impossible to describe) and Mum’s mumness (is that a word? oh, well, i think I’ve just made it one – like swip ;)!).
At church this morning it was strange. All the kids have grown up – one that I remember starting high school not long ago, is just entering the privileged ‘black jumper’ stage (basically year 10, the younger years have to wear BRIGHT red jumpers that everyone hates). Where does the time go? There were lots of old friends who I enjoyed seeing this morning. People who have seen me develop from a very shy toddler to a reasonably confident young adult. It seems weird that I’m only at home for one church service, throughout the whole of the summer. But at the same time I’m missing out on things at my church in Swansea, and wishing I was back there. I want to be able to split my body in half! (I felt similar feelings at greenbelt, though there it was more like quarters!)
I know its something that most students have to deal with, and I know i will. Its just strange.